what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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