I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
