Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
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My vagina just recognized that song.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
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Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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