I met the friendliest cop last night
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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