she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
