My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
