I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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