Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
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He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
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As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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