i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
