i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
