Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
