I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
