Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
