I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
