totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
