I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
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Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
17 year olds will be the death of me.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
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You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?