I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
