My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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