Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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