Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
