I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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