life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
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i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
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Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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