She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I need a beard to bite.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
