EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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