I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
