I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
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i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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