I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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