just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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