I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
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Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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