Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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