Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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