When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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