They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
