You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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