If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
