You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
