defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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