Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
