i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
