I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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