apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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