If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You ate ashes out of my bong
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