I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
