can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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