The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
