The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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