I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
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another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
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I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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