how can u be prego again
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Randomize
