I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
The convent might be a nice break from real life
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
