Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
