did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
