i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
How does it feel to date your dad?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
