Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I am spending my child support on dildos
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
