Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
