smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
